This was pretty much all I was going to post yesterday until the “Mary Ann” at the Drs & then the picture in the email and so on. So here’s the post I was gonna post… TV, Movies SUCK unless you have someone to laugh with or talk about what Sam & Dean are doing so I’ve kind of signed off on it for now. Tried Britbox for a bit, British TV is funny but it got old without someone else to laugh with so now I’m reading & playing COD Mobile. Currently reading a six book series: Mental Health Workbook on book one (just started) Attachment Theory, and just finished another book that was enlightening: The Empath’s Survival Guide: Life Strategies for Sensitive People. So many times in my life I have been told that I’m a “girl” for my feelings, I’m sort of emotional and tend to care for others much more than I care for myself. The therapist lady told me on numerous occasions that I am a “fixer” & tend to put others issues in front of mine & that is why my issues never get resolved as they are always second in my order of things to do.
So now I read & try to enlighten my mind to all the fucked up life I’ve already had, that I can not change. That is my biggest issue with all this sudden mental health at the forefront, looking back, I guess I was an “abused” child, a seriously abused child, however what am I to do about it now other than get the fuck over it. As I said to wife & kid, can’t be sorry for things that were done years ago, because when I (you people also) did that stuff I was not sorry, now TODAY looking back, WTF was I thinking? kind of like not wearing a seatbelt, or smoking… we look at things with a different lens in the now. Everything in life evolves, mostly we do, I have 61 years of looking back to check those boxes. Don’t worry, when you are 61 you will look back also and think “why did we…?” all this stuff.
Dwelling on my past & my mistakes & the mistakes of others is pretty much a waste of my time. Am I sorry for the things I’ve done, of course, would I do them in present day, NEVER. I can’t keep dwelling on them or I will never be happy or at least not sad and right now that is pretty much all I want, is not to be sad every single day. I want to feel joy again, I miss even fleeting moments of happiness, I really want a picture of me with a smile on my face too.
Much love to all, I’m going to go play COD Mobile on my phone, like we used to play PUBG, Shark and of course Mouse Bot and laugh our asses off. If you happen to want to “squad up” I’m: YuGot2Know for my name. I play mostly with girls on my squads (they play smart not just run & gun) & currently I’m flying a Pride flag for this month for my banner. I would love to play so just sign in and add me… mostly I play at night after 6p – midnight, not all night just between those hours.