Kill Myself

The only reason I don’t is that my sweet loving wife would get everything too easily & I don’t want the kid to in any way feel responsible. I’m tired of crying, I’m tired of trying to figure out what went wrong, I’m just tired. If we fought I would understand, if we didn’t get along, I would understand, the problem is I don’t understand anything and I’m here all alone, everyone just left me without a care in the world. The two people I would have died for just left me because… I still don’t know. Everyone screams about their “mental health” but it’s ok to just leave me behind, the person that loved you both and took care of you, sacrificed everything, no worries, it’s ok, you work on your issues alone… but you’re not alone, you have people. I have no one, I’m going in for surgery & my emergency contact is 911, no one. I’ve written letters to both of them in case that something happens to me during surgery as I have a DNR so they both know that I still care so much but I am also so confused how they could both just walk out of my life without a care about me.

Sure, talk to someone… what do I tell them? We were all laughing & playing and then the next day the kid was gone because her mother wanted her to be with her biological father? My wife, we were laughing & chasing chicken fingers & “hot” Taco Bell fries the night before she left driving around, smoking weed, laughing & having a big time & I woke up & she was gone…mind you all of this during a pandemic that everyone was locked down but that seemed to be fine with her because she has her “friends”. To a point, I hope I really don’t wake up after surgery, it would be easier, there would be no one to blame it would have just happened & after I tried so hard to get more healthy to live longer for the kid but now I have no reason. Fathers Day is just a few days after my surgery so it would be poetic to die on that day, so the “pretend” father would not be around for fathers day. My life is shit, I was so happy just a few months ago and have no idea what went wrong. I read emails & texts & still don’t see anger or anything & then suddenly she became evil. My best friend gone & the kid who I couldn’t be without for even one day (I hated the “other weekends”) and now, nothing. I have looked at that picture a hundred times already & ask myself why. I wonder where my little girl is. I wonder where the girl that laughed with me is, that I taught to use power tools & other dumb shit.

And my wife, I supported & encouraged every single thing she did. I was her biggest cheerleader. I always encouraged her to take a “next step” or it she wanted to try something to “go for it”, I never discouraged her or talked down to her. I was always very supportive. I’m just fucking lost without those girls, I have never loved so much so I have never lost so much. I am on a “mental health” journey but again, no one & I have no idea why or what so my path has no direction. The narcissist thing is not true, my therapist said so, she said not even close, if anything I have too much empathy and care too much for others more than myself & that is more of my issue so I’m working on that. I worried too much about them & didn’t worry about myself (and she said, “no one worried about me”) and I was constantly emotionally fatigued trying to keep them happy, caring & loving.

I’ve been watching TikTok videos most of the evening so I originally was going to just sign on and post those but the words started so now I’m going to stop. Yes, I’m crying, I don’t give a fuck who knows, yes I’m emotional, I have every right to be, it’s funny I’m supposed to be calm & all put together when the two things I care most about in this world are no longer here, no longer in my life & one has become something that I do not recognize & I don’t know what happend or caused the change. Someone actually asked me today about “starting over” with her… I guess I’ll just post some of the videos I was watching … be careful if you make it to the last one as everything now has a “trigger warning” there are multiple there I’m cried out now, I’m going to go scratch Romeo for a while on the couch & we’ll both probably fall asleep we don’t make it to the upstairs TV much anymore, kind of lonely, seems more lonely up there for some reason… her words “I love this, I’ve never had my own private space” I remember when it was being built, we had a propane heater, folding chairs & bundled up in layers it was freezing but we sat up there and smoked & looked out the “window” …. she thought it was glorious … what happend? is that too much to ask? just an answer? She told Heather I “abused” her? seriously? never called her names, never told her “no”, never hit or hurt her… trying to understand… pretty much did everything, I don’t know what more I could have done, I couldn’t send flowers during COVID… when she was a teller she got them all the time, and and FSR, as long as I knew where she was… every time the kid & me went on a road trip, we stopped with a frappe for her, I brought donuts & stuff to her all the time when she was a teller & FSR, I even took some out to other offices to see her (Berlin is very nice) she was there a lot… really trying to wrap my head around all of this, she called me when she was hit by the semi… I took care of her & everything, doctors, lawyers, bills, gave her a job, hell I paid her while she worked at FFCB so she could catch up on money, I gave her sisters jobs

I’m done, I could type for hours and keep asking questions and keep wondering why the woman I know is the woman she is now, there is something seriously wrong… it’s not me, my therapist keeps trying to convince me

The kid swam a zillion laps every summer… I walked a zillion laps each summer watching every stroke and I would walk a zillion more if I had a chance

this one could not have hit home harder… my chest still hurts
This was one of the first people I tripped over on TikTok was a few days after the “hotline” thought it was a good idea to send the Sheriff’s over to check on me… it was a good idea that day, it was tough being alone, it still is I heard “I love you” every day, no one ever walked out of this house without saying it, “love you, bye” it just rings in here I hear it at night, I hear the kid saying things, I hear me yelling up the steps & her yelling back “BAAAA beeeeeee” every day after work, so many things that I can not understand right up until the last, I no longer want to kill or even hurt myself intentionally so that’s not going to happen, but I really don’t care about much, I gave everything, expected nothing other than love & I get this… I guess I should have been the guy that didn’t encourage his wife, that kept her as a teller, no ambition so she would have still be my wife & we would both still be happy… believe me, she is not happy either & neither is the kid… whatever fucked this up really fucked this up… oh yea & Romeo is sick… I have to take him to the vet, again, waking up from surgery is the last of my worries, just turn off the switch. Like I said, will never do it intentionally but it would be a happy accident and that is a fucked up thing to say, I have been in pain most of my life, but nothing like this, it’s different

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